Photo by Catherine
As a business coach who takes a whole-life approach to coaching, I hear some sort of confidential information (both professional and personal) nearly every day. People disclose information about acquisitions, company downsizing and salaries. They share personal problems about divorce, illness, addictions and more. You name it, I’ve heard it—all.
The coaching sessions I conduct offer a “safe place” to talk about lots of things. In some ways, this reminds me of a Catholic church confessional.
Through the years, I’ve come to realize that some of what I considered confidential disclosures were actually secrets. For a long time, I made no distinction between the two things—listening as my client talked and, of course, keeping it all confidential. But there’s a huge difference between confidential disclosures and outright secrets, and these days I’m responding differently.
The dictionary defines a secret as “something not widely known.” But I think it’s more insidious and underhanded than that. There’s usually a clue that someone is sharing a secret. They will start or end by saying, “…you can’t tell anyone else ….” My not sharing what they tell me is a given. It always has been, and everyone in my coaching program already knows this. The fact that someone has to ensure my discretion before telling me something is, in itself, telling.
And usually what they tell me in secret is not something I can do (or want to do) anything about. It is not helpful or constructive. Sometimes, it’s little more than gossip, and there’s no place for that in our sessions. Other times, it’s just plain wrong, and I don’t have time for that either.
Let me share a few examples of secrets versus confidential disclosures.
Secret: “I’m having an affair with (names a coworker). But you can’t tell anyone.”
Confidential information: “My wife has cancer, and I’m going to be needing to take some time off.”
Secret: “My friend who works for our competitor is leaving, and he’s given me his client list and his company’s pricing information.”
Confidential disclosure: “We hired an outside firm to assess the other companies in our market and determine how we compare to the competition.”
Secret: “You can’t tell anyone, but when Jane leaves the office each morning on sales calls, she’s really just driving for Uber most of the day.”
Confidential disclosure: “I feel like I’m in a rut. My relationship with my bosses is not what I want it to be. I’m just not in a good place professionally.”
These days, when I think we’re heading into the “secret arena,” I’m quick to interrupt and say, “Please don’t tell me something that we can’t do anything about. That’s not fair to you, to me or to your company.” I’ve learned that secrets are best kept secret. I don’t deal with them if I can help it.
On the other hand, I do try to help when clients tell me things in confidence that are productive or necessary for their success. For the person whose wife has cancer, I might suggest how to restructure his workdays so he has more flexibility. For the person whose company is assessing its place in the market, I might suggest how to best use that information to make the business more viable moving forward. For the person who is in a rut, I might suggest we come up with three immediate ways he can break the cycle of negativity.
I encourage everyone—no matter what your job might be or where you are in the organizational chart—to make a distinction between confidential disclosures and secrets. Share confidential information with someone you trust if the situation calls for that. If someone is doing something improper, illegal, unethical or simply bad, keep it to yourself unless you can—or should—do something about it.
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