A client of mine recently told me about an executive with a big, important corporate job in a small, close-knit town. Because of his high-ranking position at the company, he was well-known and well-liked in his business and civic communities, where he served on several boards and contributed to charitable organizations.
But then the company he worked for made some structural changes, and this executive was laid off. The local office and his community were shocked. So was he. He also was quite concerned about what would happen next. He was in his mid-50s and making over $300,000 all in—and there just weren’t many of those kinds of jobs available to pursue.
To make things more complicated, he and his wife didn’t want to relocate to a larger city where there would be multiple opportunities to secure a job at his level and income. The couple had lived in their community for years and had raised three children there. Their roots were deep; this place was home.
We all know someone who has experienced something like this—a life-altering change like the loss of a job; a divorce; or, even worse, the loss of a loved one.
There are two ways the executive (or anyone else in this kind of situation) could proceed and manage the “self-talk” they will experience.
If the executive’s self-image is tied to his position and the company, he might tell himself that the job made him smart, interesting, powerful and a worthy person. If that’s the case, then losing that job would result in shame, anger and a loss of self-worth. He might think: “What do I say when someone asks me what I do for a living?” “What if we have to sell the house? Or the lake house? How embarrassing would that be?” And being over 50, he might even expect to be overlooked during subsequent job interviews in favor of a younger executive with more technology skills.
This kind of negative self-talk is self-defeating.
Like a virus, the negative energy it creates can infect all areas of the executive’s life. His grief for what he lost can keep him from seeing new opportunities. During an interview, this negative energy might torpedo his chances before he even sits down.
On the other hand, a different, more positive kind of self-talk can lead to much better consequences.
The executive could say to himself: “I can’t change what happened to me, but I can choose how I react to it.” He could tell himself: “I am going to be OK, and my family will be OK. I’m still a contributing member of my community, and I have a place here with strong relationships and friendships and purpose.”
He could remind himself that he’s “only 55 years old,” and he is a savvy executive who has a lifetime of solid skills and experience. He could realize that because of savings, he doesn’t have to replace 100% of his income.
And now that the kids are grown and gone, he and his wife don’t really need that big house anymore. Maybe, since those grown kids live out of state, they can use the lake house differently, too. Maybe they list it on VRBO and generate some income. Plus, his wife says she’s bored now that the children are gone. She’s been saying she wanted to go back to teaching biology at the high school. Maybe now is the right time.
The executive would do well to turn to the most positive talk available to him.
He might ask himself: “I wonder how God wants to use my time and talents?” He might say to himself, “I know so far in my life, God has been with me at all times. He’s still here.” He could reflect upon what his pastor says during challenging times: “God is a good God, and He loves me very much.”
And it was that attitude that brought this executive to my client’s office. The guy was exploring his options. He wasn’t anxious about his circumstances, and he wasn’t angry either. He was calm, confident and present in the moment. In fact, he was curious about his future and all the possibilities it might hold.
There’s an American Indian proverb that says, “Things are not bad or good, they just are.” So next time you are faced with what initially looks like a train wreck, remember that you have a choice about how to handle it. If you act wisely and view the problem as an opportunity, you’ll do what you do better. I guarantee it.
Meanwhile, here are two great books on this topic:
- The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Making Any Change Easier by Ariane de Bonvoisin
- The Joy of Retirement: Finding Happiness, Freedom, and the Life You’ve Always Wanted by David C. Borchard (Don’t be put off by the title—you don’t have to be retiring to get something from this book. Anyone in transition or just wanting to figure out their purpose in life will find this a great resource.)
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