I was recently talking to a friend who is building a new home. Things had gone OK until the very end of the job when the homeowner received an email from the builder detailing several hundred thousand dollars of cost overruns from the project. Some of these overruns dated back more than a year—to the very start of the construction.
The builder, of course, was asking the homeowner to pay for these overruns. He showed where he had already paid the subcontractors for the extra costs, and now he was attempting to pass those costs (and the emergency and the big problem) on to the homeowner. This was a fixed-price contract, so the email came as a complete surprise to the homeowner.
We’ve all heard about or been in a similar situation. It might be from a car repair, house or office renovation, software conversion/implementation, etc. Things snowball.
The root of these problems often traces back to someone who doesn’t like to deal with conflict. As you know, this is called “conflict avoidance.”
The person, seeking to avoid conflict, justifies his actions by thinking that somehow this will all work out later. Or maybe they say they will “call the person tomorrow” and tomorrow never comes. Until it does and they are forced to communicate an unwelcome message with the other party.
My friend with the house told me that if the builder had kept him in the loop throughout the process, he would have tried to work with him. “Also,” he said, “I repeatedly asked him for a report of how things looked financially throughout the job, with no response from him.”
Andy Stanley, in one of his leadership podcasts, talked about how, early in his career, he was prone to conflict avoidance. He said he would do almost anything to avoid conflict. Then Charlie Renfro, his mentor, entered his life. Charlie is a successful businessperson and a larger-than-life personality. He would always ask: “Andy, what’cha working on big?” Realizing fairly quickly during their weekly visits that Andy tended to avoid conflict, Charlie challenged him to address the “500-pound gorilla in the room.” He said, “You open the cage and invite the 500-pound gorilla out.”
This coaching challenge did two things: It showed Andy that Charlie believed he was destined to do big things. And it encouraged Andy to go ahead and address whatever conflict stood in the way of him and those big things.
So, what’s your tolerance for handling conflict when it arises? If you struggle with this, here are five ways to effectively handle conflicts:
- Acknowledge and address: Avoiding conflict only allows problems to escalate. Recognize the issue and figure out what steps you need to take to address it. Then, with that gameplan as your step-by-step guide, act.
- Open communication: Engage in honest and open conversations with all parties involved to prevent misunderstandings and find common ground so you can move forward more easily.
- Stay calm and be empathetic: Approach conflicts with composure and empathy. Understanding each perspective can lead to more productive discussions.
- Focus on solutions: Instead of dwelling on blame, prioritize finding solutions that benefit everyone involved.
- Seek timely resolution: Address conflicts as soon as possible to prevent them from growing into bigger problems. Timely resolution maintains trust and prevents further damage.
Remember, the only surprises people like are celebrations. “Hoping something will get better” is not a strategy in business or life. Get comfortable with the 500-pound gorilla, with opening the cage and inviting it into the room. Do that and you’ll do what you do better.
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