As a business coach, I’m paid for the advice I give people and, ultimately, the results they achieve because of that advice. I’ve always loved the coaching model because of this usually unspoken agreement—I only get to stay around if the person I coach makes progress. The real beauty of the relationship is that our goals are interdependent.
So I think my 20-plus years of coaching, make me something of an expert on how to give advice. I’d like to explore the art of giving advice in this and in the next few blog posts.
Giving advice is tricky: Give too much advice and people will push back; give too little and people will wonder what they are paying for or getting. Also, everyone’s tolerance for advice is different—so you gotta know who you are collaborating with before you give the prescribed dosage of advice. This is true for my situation as a coach and for that of most managers and executives.
Whether you are a business coach, manager or choir director, involved in a for-profit, non-profit, or church or synagogue, you are probably on one or both ends of the advice game. What’s more, like it or not, you probably are giving and getting advice daily both in and out of the office.
In my sales and executive coaching programs, people often come in wanting to discuss something that’s currently on their minds. It can be a problem, an opportunity or just something that is nagging at them. I love collaboration, so after listening to them and assessing their situation, I’ll gladly offer them my advice and suggestions. When I first started out, I saw that some of my clients would sit across from me, listen to my comments and simply smile. When they didn’t say anything, I assumed that they were agreeing with me and planning to follow my coaching advice.
Sometime later I’d follow up with them only to find they still had not taken the advice I had offered—advice they had paid me to offer! I can remember feeling frustrated and, at times, even discounted by those who ignored my advice.
Years ago, I was sharing this frustration with Michael Smith, a fellow business coach and good friend of mine. After listening to me complain, he shared one of Jim Rohn’s quotes: “Don’t mistake courtesy for consent.”
I’ve never forgotten that good advice
Now in my dealings with people—whether it’s in business coaching, Boy Scouts, with an aging relative or my children, during volunteer work or at church—I remind myself of this sound advice. Whenever I make a comment, suggestion, request, etc. to someone, I don’t mistake their courtesy for consent. I don’t just assume they are on board with what we are discussing.
I follow up with a few very important questions. I ask: “So, what do you think about what I just said?” And then I ask: “What are you going to do?”
Yes, there are times when what I’ve said is not anything near what they are agreeing to do. But usually my advice has at least given them some direction and idea of what to do next, and my questions prod them to action so I’m still earning my keep!
This simple approach will reduce much frustration and, more importantly, will establish common expectations in any situation. Try it the next time you’re offering somebody advice and he or she is simply silent. If you and I were actually talking right now, I’d ask: “So what do you think about what I just said?”
Trust me, this is sound advice on how to do what you do better.
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